I'm not stating that I'm committing adultery. I have a "C" on my forehead conveying that I have cancer. I write my blog and deal with the health issues, but otherwise I need to start separating myself from the word. I don't want it to define me. It's tough because I can see it people's eyes. I see a mix of care, concern, pity, sadness... you name it. I know in the first minute if someone knows about the "C" which is why I love events like the one today. I will be around a bunch of people who have no clue what I'm going through. When I meet them all their eyes will show is whether they think my skirt's too short.
I am sooo excited for today. A good friend of mine from high school is getting married :) So today I don my wig, party dress and big smile to go out and celebrate the happy couple's love.
Time to go dance the night away to love songs like Barry White "You're my first, my last, my everything"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQN1COeI75E
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
I see a tiny light like a flashbulb sparkle in the night
I had another two days of treatment on Thursday and Friday. This past weekend I auditioned for the part of sleeping beauty. I slept. Oh did I sleep.
I have blood tests but otherwise treatment isn't until next Tuesday.
I'm not feeling chatty but updates are to come.
Tiny Light - Grace Potter & the Nocturnals
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ma9lzcUe2Zg
Monday, July 11, 2011
Young Love
I'm back! I went on a weekend getaway in search of a sanctuary. I found that in the arms of Ross at Lake Geneva. It was the perfect spot, smack dab in the middle of us. We wined and dined the weekend away (I snuck a glass of shiraz in over a fancy dinner). We had a marvelous time being our goofy and mooshy-gushy selves.
The weekend gave me the boost that I needed. I'm high maintenance right now and Ross just wants to take care of my every whim, who am I to say no? He even joined me for my afternoon naps! If you know Ross then you know his blood is two parts caffeine one part endorphins which does not allow for naps. He is a ball of energy - one of the many reasons to love him.
Lake Geneva is a funny mix of weekenders, millionaires and biker groups. Ross rode his Harley down. We took a ride at twilight that magical. I wish we could have road off into the horizon...
Here's a picture of his toy - I am one lucky lady.
I have treatment Wednesday and Thursday. No new concoctions so we should be in the clear for surprises. I'm at a point where my feet are dragging BIG time. I don't have a choice in the matter however I just want to pout and use deadweight like I'm eight years old and Erin's trying to drag me out of bed in the morning. I simply don't want to go to the clinic. I think I need to hire a cheerleader to shake her pon poms (or is it pom poms?) and say "A-OK! It will all be OK!" At that point, I will go out of motivation or annoyance... until next time!
"We must try not to sink beneath our anguish, [Harry], but battle on."
J.K. Rowling, "A Sluggish Memory," Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, 2005, spoken by the character Albus Dumbledore
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
second star to the right and straight on till morning
hello hello
It's July. Holy balls. Time is eluding me. If it's the price I must pay then please take, take, take. But it's a sharp reality that I have to accept every time I check a calendar. Time and life moves forward even when I'm not on board.
We are progressing forward with treatment - hooray. This round is tiring. I am not sure it's all chemo that's putting me on my tushy or if it's also the fading of the beginners rush. I've had some try outs to star in the exorcism this round. It sucks. I am not graceful when it comes to kneeling at the porcelain idol. I tried to hide it the first few times, but then I reverted to childhood and called for my mommy. Dr. Mom has that special touch. Even at 24, a girl needs her mom. Dad's specialty is entertaining me at the treatments; he's a chatty cathy so I can lie back and listen. One of the many things that I love most about my relationship between my dad and I is the unspoken communication that we have. (Mom - I know it drives you nuts.) But my dad and I have a series of looks. True most are at others detriment, but all the same they tend to create laughs for us. If there is any where on earth that needs laughs it is the doctor's office. I complain about my parents but I'd be lost without them.
Yesterday I got to meet my virtual pen pal. He recently went through this "journey" (I hate that metaphor but I went brain dead) with blood cancer and is on the road they deem "survivorship." He's great for words of wisdom and laughs. It was a pure delight to put a face to the email chain and to meet my Mr. Miyagi. He took me to a movie filming and it was a fantastic time. Truly was. For those who know celebrities I brushed shoulders with Sienna Miller. I was more interested in the filming, set and such, but it is as close to Jude Law as I'll get. hehe
P.S.
A quick update on my friend Kim. She is doing much better. I smile when I hear updates on her because I think of her so much. She still has a lot of healing, strengthening and mending to do but the trooper that she is has brought her through these times. It's not my story to tell but I wanted you all to know that she's moving forward beautifully. Thanks for the happy thoughts sent to Kim.
If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies.
-Unknown
It's July. Holy balls. Time is eluding me. If it's the price I must pay then please take, take, take. But it's a sharp reality that I have to accept every time I check a calendar. Time and life moves forward even when I'm not on board.
We are progressing forward with treatment - hooray. This round is tiring. I am not sure it's all chemo that's putting me on my tushy or if it's also the fading of the beginners rush. I've had some try outs to star in the exorcism this round. It sucks. I am not graceful when it comes to kneeling at the porcelain idol. I tried to hide it the first few times, but then I reverted to childhood and called for my mommy. Dr. Mom has that special touch. Even at 24, a girl needs her mom. Dad's specialty is entertaining me at the treatments; he's a chatty cathy so I can lie back and listen. One of the many things that I love most about my relationship between my dad and I is the unspoken communication that we have. (Mom - I know it drives you nuts.) But my dad and I have a series of looks. True most are at others detriment, but all the same they tend to create laughs for us. If there is any where on earth that needs laughs it is the doctor's office. I complain about my parents but I'd be lost without them.
Yesterday I got to meet my virtual pen pal. He recently went through this "journey" (I hate that metaphor but I went brain dead) with blood cancer and is on the road they deem "survivorship." He's great for words of wisdom and laughs. It was a pure delight to put a face to the email chain and to meet my Mr. Miyagi. He took me to a movie filming and it was a fantastic time. Truly was. For those who know celebrities I brushed shoulders with Sienna Miller. I was more interested in the filming, set and such, but it is as close to Jude Law as I'll get. hehe
P.S.
A quick update on my friend Kim. She is doing much better. I smile when I hear updates on her because I think of her so much. She still has a lot of healing, strengthening and mending to do but the trooper that she is has brought her through these times. It's not my story to tell but I wanted you all to know that she's moving forward beautifully. Thanks for the happy thoughts sent to Kim.
If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies.
-Unknown
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Game on!
Game on!
Written 6/23-6/24 around midnight in the hallway of Whitehall Hotel hopped up on roids and ice cream
Today marks the beginning of round 3 for chemo regimens. There was a TKO in round 1 and I took the belt, but the refs are letting me continue to kick it while it's down. Kick the shit-ake mushrooms out of it, if you will. The gap in treatment frustrated the heck out of me.
I love to plan. To give an idea of my obsession and slight case of OCD, I have bought the same planner three years in a row. I keep a post-it for each week of the year for to-do's. I migrate the undone tasks from one post-it to the next... and so on. My point is that I have not been able to plan anything since I was diagnosed. But now that I started regimen 3, I can begin to plan some things - tentatively. I plan to have a getaway in August with Ashli. We have our sights on Portland! Music, mountains, wine - heck we could go to Des Moines and enjoy it. I also get to day dream up foreign destinations for a vacation for Ross and me. The criteria is Caribbean, scuba diving (a fear of mine but it's time to overcome and persevere!), palm trees, sand, nightlife, and a whole lotta SPF. Dream a little dream...
I've felt superb the past week and a half. Being poison free does that to a person. My bartender/nurse Caitlin served up three cocktails and the Doctor topped it off with a fourth within a two day span. I still feel fan freaking-tastic but I know the impending doom that lays ahead with the chemo.
One of the chemos in this round is especially daunting; it looks like un-gelled lemon lime Jell-o. Funky! It's as unappetizing as Cosby's sweaters. I had managed to grow out a few silly little hairs on my head. Beyond being on my head, I'm quite unattached to the little guys. The chemos this round will make them abandon ship too. The good news is that I will begin to grow the next crop for keeps starting this fall!
The good physique and health fell at a most serendipitous (fun word!) time. Last week I attended the Jim Gibbons 5K with my parents. My girlfriends put together a stellar team. They were the top fundraisers! They also put together the best looking team shirts, in my humble opinion. The day was one which makes you count your blessings and powerfully face your challenges.
The same weekend I sat on a Cub's rooftop bleacher with my dad. I sat, hot dog in hand, taunting him about the superiority of the Brewer's and Gold Eagles (it was a DePaul event) and at that moment I couldn't have been more content. Well, maybe if I had a beer in my other hand. That night daddy-o and I were able to visit with a handful of my girlfriends and for dinner. I take any opportunity to see them these days. They have done so much to show the strength in our bonds. Then we stopped by Chris and Steve's (fellow MU alum) apartment for a birthday party. I felt like a party goer with a foot still out the door. I can't participate in the activities and I still feel scared to be out and about. Dad was a great wingman, but I still felt odd to be at a party. I just wanted to get tipsy and dance. I felt angry of not getting what I wanted (damn you Rolling Stones for creating that song). On the ride home, I struggled with a paramount tantrum beyond those of beauty pageant toddlers - even beyond the stage moms. It was off the richter scale.
I am not alone. Unfortunately despair has hit home in another form. I was also able to attend a mass last night for my good friend Kim. She's in the ICU fighting something... something that is still an anomaly to the great minds of the doctors. She going on week four. Tears have been shed and helplessness amassed. Normally churches are a no-no on Doc's list approved activities, but nothing would keep me from doing the only thing I can - I was able to show support for Kim's family.
Along those lines, thank you to all of you supporting Kim and myself in these rough times. I say thank you a lot, but appreciation never tires.
“When you can’t change the direction of the wind — adjust your sails.” ~ H. Jackson Brown
Written 6/23-6/24 around midnight in the hallway of Whitehall Hotel hopped up on roids and ice cream
Today marks the beginning of round 3 for chemo regimens. There was a TKO in round 1 and I took the belt, but the refs are letting me continue to kick it while it's down. Kick the shit-ake mushrooms out of it, if you will. The gap in treatment frustrated the heck out of me.
I love to plan. To give an idea of my obsession and slight case of OCD, I have bought the same planner three years in a row. I keep a post-it for each week of the year for to-do's. I migrate the undone tasks from one post-it to the next... and so on. My point is that I have not been able to plan anything since I was diagnosed. But now that I started regimen 3, I can begin to plan some things - tentatively. I plan to have a getaway in August with Ashli. We have our sights on Portland! Music, mountains, wine - heck we could go to Des Moines and enjoy it. I also get to day dream up foreign destinations for a vacation for Ross and me. The criteria is Caribbean, scuba diving (a fear of mine but it's time to overcome and persevere!), palm trees, sand, nightlife, and a whole lotta SPF. Dream a little dream...
I've felt superb the past week and a half. Being poison free does that to a person. My bartender/nurse Caitlin served up three cocktails and the Doctor topped it off with a fourth within a two day span. I still feel fan freaking-tastic but I know the impending doom that lays ahead with the chemo.
One of the chemos in this round is especially daunting; it looks like un-gelled lemon lime Jell-o. Funky! It's as unappetizing as Cosby's sweaters. I had managed to grow out a few silly little hairs on my head. Beyond being on my head, I'm quite unattached to the little guys. The chemos this round will make them abandon ship too. The good news is that I will begin to grow the next crop for keeps starting this fall!
The good physique and health fell at a most serendipitous (fun word!) time. Last week I attended the Jim Gibbons 5K with my parents. My girlfriends put together a stellar team. They were the top fundraisers! They also put together the best looking team shirts, in my humble opinion. The day was one which makes you count your blessings and powerfully face your challenges.
The same weekend I sat on a Cub's rooftop bleacher with my dad. I sat, hot dog in hand, taunting him about the superiority of the Brewer's and Gold Eagles (it was a DePaul event) and at that moment I couldn't have been more content. Well, maybe if I had a beer in my other hand. That night daddy-o and I were able to visit with a handful of my girlfriends and for dinner. I take any opportunity to see them these days. They have done so much to show the strength in our bonds. Then we stopped by Chris and Steve's (fellow MU alum) apartment for a birthday party. I felt like a party goer with a foot still out the door. I can't participate in the activities and I still feel scared to be out and about. Dad was a great wingman, but I still felt odd to be at a party. I just wanted to get tipsy and dance. I felt angry of not getting what I wanted (damn you Rolling Stones for creating that song). On the ride home, I struggled with a paramount tantrum beyond those of beauty pageant toddlers - even beyond the stage moms. It was off the richter scale.
I am not alone. Unfortunately despair has hit home in another form. I was also able to attend a mass last night for my good friend Kim. She's in the ICU fighting something... something that is still an anomaly to the great minds of the doctors. She going on week four. Tears have been shed and helplessness amassed. Normally churches are a no-no on Doc's list approved activities, but nothing would keep me from doing the only thing I can - I was able to show support for Kim's family.
Along those lines, thank you to all of you supporting Kim and myself in these rough times. I say thank you a lot, but appreciation never tires.
“When you can’t change the direction of the wind — adjust your sails.” ~ H. Jackson Brown
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Dum, di, dum, di, dum
I am whistling this amazing song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83bmsluWHZc OR http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8y_h-OcK28
This is what I do when I am wasting time. It's my go to song when strolling, driving in a car, washing dishes...
Other great songs to whistle (and everyone nearby is appreciative for getting it stuck in his/her head too): It's a Small World, The Song that Never Ends, Animaniacs Theme Song, Doug Theme Song...
Next test is Thursday - let's hope for the numbers to move forward. I would rather be whistling from the chemo chair!
Until the next post... enjoy the catchy songs!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83bmsluWHZc OR http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8y_h-OcK28
This is what I do when I am wasting time. It's my go to song when strolling, driving in a car, washing dishes...
Other great songs to whistle (and everyone nearby is appreciative for getting it stuck in his/her head too): It's a Small World, The Song that Never Ends, Animaniacs Theme Song, Doug Theme Song...
Next test is Thursday - let's hope for the numbers to move forward. I would rather be whistling from the chemo chair!
Until the next post... enjoy the catchy songs!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
"Car!" - Wayne & Garth
We are still waiting. It's a no go for chemo this week. Bummer. I will be drained of some more blood on Monday to see if we receive a thumbs up. Then it's "game on!"
Here's a clip for those that are confused by the two quoted references in the post:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hz1kmGKDuUE&feature=related
Cinema at its finest. I love that movie.
Here's a clip for those that are confused by the two quoted references in the post:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hz1kmGKDuUE&feature=related
Cinema at its finest. I love that movie.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Waiting Game
For my partying readers this post will be a great time to play a drinking game. Throw one back every time I say a form of "wait".
As Tom Petty wisely sings "The waiting is the hardest part"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMyCa35_mOg
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Some Sprinkles for Those Cupcakes
For those of you in the area, wasn't that an excellent thunderstorm this morning? I loved it! I did not love the flooded streets though. Betty (my Jetta) and I were marooned in Alsip since the streets were flooded so high. Betty does not wade in the water. It made a regular trip to the labs for a blood test into a trek.
So last time I spoke about my potential for chemo today. Alas, I still do not have the counts to carry on. In business major speak -my white blood cells (AKA the fighters) counts are not high enough. I always imagine them in Spartan uniforms... perhaps I may have read too many Yellow School Bus books starring Miss. Frizzle. Due to my low "white counts" I will be hermit-ing it up. Hopefully my body will be ready for the cancer-killing concoction next week.
In other news, I went for a manicure with Clare yesterday. I have some rock 'n roll nails. Ladies, try out the OPI Shatter series. I kid you not, it is actually fun to watch this paint dry. It's cool because the namesake for the polish is true; they look shattered.
As many of you may know, I am slightly (OK, very) obsessed with Sara Bareilles. I counted down to her latest cd for seven months at least. I bought two tickets for her concert the day they went on sale and was even prepared to go alone. My good friend Brittany came along to see her with me; we had a blast.
The opening track to her cd is Kaleidoscope Heart (album name as well) and at the concert she explained the thoughts behind the name. Her explanation was poetic. Kaleidoscopes are deemed beautiful. Full of color and there's almost a magic to them. But if you look at them closer, they're actually pieces of broken glass. Even the shattered can turn to beautiful. So when you are having a tough time, say a broken heart or things are beating you down, just pick up the pieces and focus on the beauty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gY01SBClt8
Adieu!
So last time I spoke about my potential for chemo today. Alas, I still do not have the counts to carry on. In business major speak -my white blood cells (AKA the fighters) counts are not high enough. I always imagine them in Spartan uniforms... perhaps I may have read too many Yellow School Bus books starring Miss. Frizzle. Due to my low "white counts" I will be hermit-ing it up. Hopefully my body will be ready for the cancer-killing concoction next week.
In other news, I went for a manicure with Clare yesterday. I have some rock 'n roll nails. Ladies, try out the OPI Shatter series. I kid you not, it is actually fun to watch this paint dry. It's cool because the namesake for the polish is true; they look shattered.
As many of you may know, I am slightly (OK, very) obsessed with Sara Bareilles. I counted down to her latest cd for seven months at least. I bought two tickets for her concert the day they went on sale and was even prepared to go alone. My good friend Brittany came along to see her with me; we had a blast.
The opening track to her cd is Kaleidoscope Heart (album name as well) and at the concert she explained the thoughts behind the name. Her explanation was poetic. Kaleidoscopes are deemed beautiful. Full of color and there's almost a magic to them. But if you look at them closer, they're actually pieces of broken glass. Even the shattered can turn to beautiful. So when you are having a tough time, say a broken heart or things are beating you down, just pick up the pieces and focus on the beauty.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gY01SBClt8
Adieu!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Cupcakes are Cute
It turns out I do not have the chemo-cation that I had been promised. I will find out tomorrow if I have treatment Thursday and Friday. I tell myself that it's a good thing that the medical staff wants to move ahead instead of stall. I take it that they feel I am strong enough to move forward.
I had thought I would blog more. I have a guilty pleasure in that I love the movie Julie and Julia (I just started to read the book too). Afterwards, I wanted to copy her and write a blog. I couldn't completely copy her since I will never be found de-boning a chicken. I just wanted to blog. Here I am blogging but I still haven't figured on a topic beyond the updates on my disease. So far the blog has been helpful in updating everyone. The blog also makes me think and keep things in check. However, sometimes it's just icing on a rotten cupcake.
I had thought I would blog more. I have a guilty pleasure in that I love the movie Julie and Julia (I just started to read the book too). Afterwards, I wanted to copy her and write a blog. I couldn't completely copy her since I will never be found de-boning a chicken. I just wanted to blog. Here I am blogging but I still haven't figured on a topic beyond the updates on my disease. So far the blog has been helpful in updating everyone. The blog also makes me think and keep things in check. However, sometimes it's just icing on a rotten cupcake.
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