Game on!

Game on!


Written 6/23-6/24 around midnight in the hallway of Whitehall Hotel hopped up on roids and ice cream


Today marks the beginning of round 3 for chemo regimens.  There was a TKO in round 1 and I took the belt, but the refs are letting me continue to kick it while it's down.  Kick the shit-ake mushrooms out of it, if you will.  The gap in treatment frustrated the heck out of me.


I love to plan.  To give an idea of my obsession and slight case of OCD, I have bought the same planner three years in a row.  I keep a post-it for each week of the year for to-do's.  I migrate the undone tasks from one post-it to the next... and so on.  My point is that I have not been able to plan anything since I was diagnosed.  But now that I started regimen 3, I can begin to plan some things - tentatively.  I plan to have a getaway in August with Ashli.  We have our sights on Portland!  Music, mountains, wine - heck we could go to Des Moines and enjoy it.  I also get to day dream up foreign destinations for a vacation for Ross and me.  The criteria is Caribbean, scuba diving (a fear of mine but it's time to overcome and persevere!), palm trees, sand, nightlife, and a whole lotta SPF.  Dream a little dream...


I've felt superb the past week and a half.  Being poison free does that to a person.  My bartender/nurse Caitlin served up three cocktails and the Doctor topped it off with a fourth within a two day span.  I still feel fan freaking-tastic but I know the impending doom that lays ahead with the chemo.

One of the chemos in this round is especially daunting; it looks like un-gelled lemon lime Jell-o.  Funky! It's as unappetizing as Cosby's sweaters.  I had managed to grow out a few silly little hairs on my head.  Beyond being on my head, I'm quite unattached to the little guys.  The chemos this round will make them abandon ship too.  The good news is that I will begin to grow the next crop for keeps starting this fall!  
The good physique and health fell at a most serendipitous (fun word!) time.  Last week I attended the Jim Gibbons 5K with my parents.  My girlfriends put together a stellar team.  They were the top fundraisers!  They also put together the best looking team shirts, in my humble opinion.  The day was one which makes you count your blessings and powerfully face your challenges.

The same weekend I sat on a Cub's rooftop bleacher with my dad.  I sat, hot dog in hand, taunting him  about the superiority of the Brewer's and Gold Eagles (it was a DePaul event) and at that moment I couldn't have been more content.  Well, maybe if I had a beer in my other hand.  That night daddy-o and I were able to visit with a handful of my girlfriends and for dinner.  I take any opportunity to see them these days.  They have done so much to show the strength in our bonds.  Then we stopped by Chris and Steve's (fellow MU alum) apartment for a birthday party.  I felt like a party goer with a foot still out the door.  I can't participate in the activities and I still feel scared to be out and about.  Dad was a great wingman, but I still felt odd to be at a party.  I just wanted to get tipsy and dance.  I felt angry of not getting what I wanted (damn you Rolling Stones for creating that song).  On the ride home, I struggled with a paramount tantrum beyond those of beauty pageant toddlers - even beyond the stage moms.  It was off the richter scale.


I am not alone.  Unfortunately despair has hit home in another form.  I was also able to attend a mass last night for my good friend Kim.  She's in the ICU fighting something... something that is still an anomaly to the great minds of the doctors.  She going on week four.  Tears have been shed and helplessness amassed.  Normally churches are a no-no on Doc's list approved activities, but nothing would keep me from doing the only thing I can - I was able to show support for Kim's family.  


Along those lines, thank you to all of you supporting Kim and myself in these rough times.  I say thank you a lot, but appreciation never tires.  


“When you can’t change the direction of the wind — adjust your sails.” ~ H. Jackson Brown

Dum, di, dum, di, dum

I am whistling this amazing song:  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=83bmsluWHZc  OR  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8y_h-OcK28


This is what I do when I am wasting time.  It's my go to song when strolling, driving in a car, washing dishes...

Other great songs to whistle (and everyone nearby is appreciative for getting it stuck in his/her head too):  It's a Small World, The Song that Never Ends, Animaniacs Theme Song, Doug Theme Song...  


Next test is Thursday - let's hope for the numbers to move forward.  I would rather be whistling from the chemo chair!


Until the next post... enjoy the catchy songs!

"Car!" - Wayne & Garth

We are still waiting.  It's a no go for chemo this week.  Bummer.  I will be drained of some more blood on Monday to see if we receive a thumbs up.  Then it's "game on!"


Here's a clip for those that are confused by the two quoted references in the post:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hz1kmGKDuUE&feature=related


Cinema at its finest.  I love that movie.

The Waiting Game

For my partying readers this post will be a great time to play a drinking game.  Throw one back every time I say a form of "wait".

I'm still waiting on the green light for treatment.  I went for another blood test today.  My arms will be comparable to the cast of "Requiem for a Dream" by the end of this.  I am waiting to hear back on the results.  I have noted a common event in every appointment and step of the process.  You guessed it - waiting.  My parents and I have perfected the art of waiting.  We wait in the clinic waiting room.  We wait in the lab waiting area.  We wait for the nurse/doctor to arrive in the room.  We wait for the chemo to drip.  We wait for results on tests.  We wait for the drugs to do their trick.  We wait to see if the plan worked.  We wait for new normalcy to feel normal.  We wait for title "survivor".  We wait and wait and wait.  Tomorrow I will wait for a phone call from my nurses... until then my friends.

As Tom Petty wisely sings "The waiting is the hardest part"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMyCa35_mOg  

Some Sprinkles for Those Cupcakes

For those of you in the area, wasn't that an excellent thunderstorm this morning?  I loved it!  I did not love the flooded streets though.  Betty (my Jetta) and I were marooned in Alsip since the streets were flooded so high.  Betty does not wade in the water.  It made a regular trip to the labs for a blood test into a trek.


So last time I spoke about my potential for chemo today.  Alas, I still do not have the counts to carry on.  In business major speak -my white blood cells (AKA the fighters) counts are not high enough.  I always imagine them in Spartan uniforms... perhaps I may have read too many Yellow School Bus books starring Miss. Frizzle.  Due to my low "white counts" I will be hermit-ing it up.  Hopefully my body will be ready for the cancer-killing concoction next week.


In other news, I went for a manicure with Clare yesterday.  I have some rock 'n roll nails.  Ladies, try out the OPI Shatter series.  I kid you not, it is actually fun to watch this paint dry.  It's cool because the namesake for the polish is true; they look shattered.

As many of you may know, I am slightly (OK, very) obsessed with Sara Bareilles.  I counted down to her latest cd for seven months at least.  I bought two tickets for her concert the day they went on sale and was even prepared to go alone.  My good friend Brittany came along to see her with me; we had a blast. 
The opening track to her cd is Kaleidoscope Heart (album name as well) and at the concert she explained the thoughts behind the name.  Her explanation was poetic.  Kaleidoscopes are deemed beautiful.  Full of color and there's almost a magic to them.  But if you look at them closer, they're actually pieces of broken glass. Even the shattered can turn to beautiful.  So when you are having a tough time, say a broken heart or things are beating you down, just pick up the pieces and focus on the beauty.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1gY01SBClt8
Adieu!

Cupcakes are Cute

It turns out I do not have the chemo-cation that I had been promised.  I will find out tomorrow if I have treatment Thursday and Friday.  I tell myself that it's a good thing that the medical staff wants to move ahead instead of stall.  I take it that they feel I am strong enough to move forward.  


I had thought I would blog more.  I have a guilty pleasure in that I love the movie Julie and Julia (I just started to read the book too).  Afterwards, I wanted to copy her and write a blog.  I couldn't completely copy her since I will never be found de-boning a chicken.  I just wanted to blog.  Here I am blogging but I still haven't figured on a topic beyond the updates on my disease.  So far the blog has been helpful in updating everyone.  The blog also makes me think and keep things in check.   However, sometimes it's just icing on a rotten cupcake.

Those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy Days Of Summer

vrrrrooom vrooooom
The Porsche day was a lot of fun.  Dad and I had a great time; each of us got to drive 9 different cars.  We test drove on the normal road, an orange cone course and a racetrack.  The highlight was the racetrack though, especially since it was still slick from the rain.  There was one tight corner that made the track even more exciting with a few fishtail moments and even another car ending up in the grass.  Dad and I were in the minority in that we were not Porsche owners; we even overheard one man say he owns three!

b!tch juice status
Today marks the completion of another series of treatment.  I have a two week break before the next session begins!  At this point I may be outside of the clinic until June 14 which make me giddy.  (I might have to go for transfusions but let's just overlook that fact.)  The flavor today is a chemo that I've had many times before and I know that the ramifications are nil so I should be bouncing around the next two weeks.

other happenings
Summer is here and I'm sure everyone is as excited as I am.  My parents have one excellent backyard.  We've already had a few bonfires and I anticipate many more.  I foresee many relaxing nights at the fireside.   Hopefully some of you out in the blogosphere can join us :)

As Time Goes By

Hello everyone,


All's well on the chemo front.  Another session done - check it off.  


I am pumped for Thursday.  Dad and I are going to a Joliet race track to zoom around in a Porsche.  Putting the pedal to the metal on an enclosed racetrack is going to be AWESOME.  Some of my favorite moments are driving around with the windows down and music blaring.  I may have to bring my Blondie, Madonna and Pat Benetar CD mix for the drive!


I had another great weekend.  My girlfriends hosted a pot luck dinner on Friday.  A night in with friends is the best medicine.  Angie and her wacky comments had me laughing so hard.  I sat back and soaked in the fact that I was just hanging out with good company.  The dishes were great, but I would have been happy eating burnt popcorn.  Saturday was perfection.  Becca and I had an unplanned date day.  It was a spontaneous day of brunch, shopping, strolling and manicures.  Michela joined us for the manis.  Along our stroll we stopped for cupcakes.  Never underestimate the power of Barbie-pink nails, new high heels and a cupcake.  Combined they make for one very happy girl.  


I complain that I'm not living a normal life.  It's time that I embrace the mini-vacation that I am given.  I am working on sitting back and learning how to relax.  I will soon be able to enjoy time the European way.  Instead of rushing and checklists,  I am able to enjoy ambling down the road and enjoying my sips of coffee.  Maybe we all should give it a try.


A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.  
Grace Pulpit

Cats - not the musical - but just as mind boggling

I can't sleep, which is really uncommon for me.  So I thought I would share a humorous (or so I think) scenario.  (Cat people, please pardon my slander.  Go forward with your cat-loving ways; I do not mean to offend!)  


My parents are cat people.  If you have been to our house, you have met the two princes Marley and Rufus.  My dad is a bit more over the deep end in love with the cats than my mom.  He has gone as far as calling them my "brothers" and he has more than once put the phone up to Rufus so that he could say hello when I lived in Milwaukee.  


I moved back home complaining about the cats.  Sure I grew up with cats and loved my little Angel kitty to pieces.  But once you move away from litter boxes, it is tough to go back.  To put my opinion eloquently - stinky stinky gross!


Now I spend my days at home with only the cats.  I hate to admit it, but they are now my best listeners.  I truly do talk to these fur balls.  I mainly hang out with Rufus, our sumo-sized black cat.  Yes, I said "hang out with" a cat.  He follows me around the house and showers me with attention.  Who wouldn't love such attention?  When you spend this many hours alone with only two cats, you can judge.  Until then, I judge myself enough about my attachment to the flea bag (He doesn't have fleas.  That's just my passive aggressive love showing).  The cat is awesome and please come visit to see for yourself so that I can stop this spinster-like commentary about a cat.    


I told Ross that it is crucial I move back to Milwaukee and part ways from my feline friends before I turn to the dark side - a cat person.  He finds my actions both hilarious and alarming.  However, I know I am safe from becoming the ultimate cat lady.  I had the honor of witnessing the best car stickers of a "family."  Here's an example of a normal family sticker collage:

I once saw a sticker collection on the back of a green station wagon bearing only a woman and three cats.  At least I do not have that going against me.  However, I did just write a blog about my best friend, Rufus the cat.  dangit.

Venting

I was living the charmed life until that altering February day... I had my own place, a big kid job, I had a great daily grind going and weekends I was in Chicago or Madison going out with friends and my boyfriend.  Hollywood would have cast me as your average 23 year old. 


I still am the average 23 year old.  I think I am wiser than I am; my twenty-something world is small.  But it's my world and it has caused me to retreat to my old bed - crying.  I am crying because I am so overwhelmed by fears and angers that are HUGE and small.  For example, I can't cheers my friend for finally landing that job.  I want to go out to a bar, play darts and eat the popcorn.  Yet I have bigger things to worry about.  I am scared of what this disease may take away from me.  I won't open that door because it's too heavy, but it does make missing the beer seem obsolete.  However, I still feel hurt since I am out of the loop from my friends.  Melancholy was always the bonus word for teenage angst poems, but I now understand the word.  I am blocking myself off a bit.  I also catch myself acting like a crotchety old fart, complaining away in conversations.  I don't know what to talk about with people.  I was never a master at small talk, and I do not see that happening soon.  I want to hear about everyone's lives but at the same time, it hurts to know what I am missing.


It's time to quite typing.  I am sad, bald, red-eyed but my shoulders are a bit lighter.  Whew.  So now it's time to change my mood.  

I am suffering from a serious case of hair envy, so I am bringing you down with me.  Who would not want Kate Hudson's hair??